I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
