Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
