Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
