Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
