My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
