dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
