I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
