best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
