The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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