let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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