The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
