I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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