He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She even gives head with a lisp.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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