On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
