i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
