Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
