I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
