I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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