I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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