Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
