Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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