i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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