Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
