and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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