I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
