well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
