The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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