At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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