I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
