you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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