I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
