I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
