I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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