The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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