if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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