I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm really busy with my period
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