3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
