I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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