she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
