Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
