Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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