I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
