So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
