Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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