the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize