If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
