i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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