Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
