I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
