a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
