the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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