You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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