So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
