i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
