Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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