the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
