You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
