SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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