A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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